Politics

Todd’s Criteria for President

You may have heard that I’m not running for President of the United States in the 2016 election. I ran in 2012 with Jeff Stampes. We didn’t win, as you probably noticed. But we gave it our best shot, because we felt like the candidates the two major political parties gave us were both assmunches. Regardless, they both got way more votes than we did, proving that, apparently…

America Wants an Assmunch in the White House

Well, it’s spring of 2015 and people are talking about who’s going to run in the primaries. So I might as well lay out the simple requirements for my vote. If any political party can produce a candidate that meets these criteria, I will vote for him or her. And if we’re lucky enough to have multiple candidates who meet these criteria, I’ll consider their further qualifications. If we have nobody who fits the bill, I probably won’t even vote; I’m sick of voting for the “lesser of two evils” and think America deserves better than that.

Todd’s Criteria for President

  1. Candidate is not a pinhead or hypocrite or sleazeball
  2. Candidate can unite instead of divide

Wow, it’s really only two things? Yeah, should be easy, right?

Let me point to the Wiktionary definitions, in case any of Criterion #1 isn’t clear.

pinhead: An ignorantnaïvefoolish, or stupid person.

hypocrite: Someone who practices hypocrisy, who pretends to hold beliefs, or whose actions are not consistent with their claimed beliefs.

sleazeball: A morally reprehensibledisreputable, or sleazy person; a cad.

Also, like in a job interview, just saying you can unite instead of divide isn’t enough. You must be able to cite specific examples from your previous work. We will be checking references!

Leave a Reply